Day 0

I’ve been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. Since college, I’ve lost and gained weight multiple times. Each time I start off great, lose weight relatively fast, and then without fail, I gain it all back. This cycle repeats every few years. Each time, my hope that I could ever be anything but overweight decreases. I struggle between accepting the fact that I will always be big and just live my life or keep believing that I can change.

I lost a bunch of weight (down to 165) in 2016 after quitting my job and going to therapy. I was happy, although still lonely. I met a guy in early 2017 and we dated for 2 years. During those two years, I gained back all the weight I lost and hit 200 plus pounds. My boyfriend and I broke up and the post breakup motivation got me exercising and losing weight again. During this time, my ex and I still kept in touch and became friends with benefits of sorts. I knew it was unhealthy because i still cared too much about whether he wanted me. We finally stopped talking altogether after this past New Years. Since then, I’ve been on a downward spiral. I try to occupy my time but more often than not, I’m on my couch, binging on tv, and eating too much takeout. Like eating for 2-3 people levels of too much takeout. I can’t seem to stop and I’m currently sitting on 210 pounds.

And the past few weeks have me feeling like shit because I’ve been reminded again that people hate fat people. And I know my breakup wasn’t about me being fat, but sometimes I’m not sure and it just makes me feel worse. I keep thinking the relationship would have worked if I had stayed skinnier.

I watched the Julie/Julia move tonight and it kind of inspired me to do a 365 challenge too. The challenge is to move. Everyday, do something that gets my heart pumping for 20 minutes. It can be anything. A walk, dancing, jumping up and down. It doesn’t matter.

I don’t believe doing this will suddenly fix all my internal fucked up shit but at least it’ll help me physically. Maybe all the other stuff will follow.

So, one day a time, I’m going move my body back into being healthier, being happier, and to giving a damn. Stop hating myself and my body.

Wish me luck.